HockeyDump

Fire Your Guns! (or Coaches)

2011-12-14T08:49:00.000-08:00

What is with the recent coaching overhaul in the NHL?

It seems that knee-jerk reaction has become the sweetheart of GMs all over the league. How else can one explain the firing of a recently-removed Coach of the Year? Notice said coach was picked up and handed a new job within days? Which also resulted in another coach being sacked.

I am all for accountability, and I think poor production should be punished, especially in the goals department. IF I am going to waste my time actually watching hockey, I sure as fuck want to see AT LEAST 5 goals in a game. If I wanted to watch soccer I would watch soccer.

Anyways, good job to Davis Payne, Paul Maurice, Bruce Boudreau, Randy Carlysle and Terry Murray. You guys are jobless. Well, except the aforementioned Boudreau rehiring makes him a member of the job force once again.

SEriously though, even if I have no fucking idea who in the fuck Davis Payne is, why would someone hire Ken Hitchcock to coach a team of young offensively gifted players? Have fun St. Louis, all those draft picks should be buried on the 4th line or in the minors in no time.

I'm pretty sure that's a picture of Hitch scouting some talents and putting tags on their heads for how many years they need to play in the AHL. Also, it looks like he may be concealing a weapon.

Anyways, now that Maruice got fired again, at least we know Carolina will win the cup next year.

It's pretty sad to think, of all the weird places that cup-keeper motherfucker has had to go, that is probably one of the worst/most uncomfortable.

Side note: The donation picture on Wikipedia today looks like a fucking mutant. It's the only charity campaign not for mongloids that useds mongloids to try and drive donations. Weird.

Shanny and the Rules

2011-11-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

After a pre-season that saw Shanny hand out 9 suspensions totalling 28 pre-season and 32 regular season games, the suspensions have come to a screeching halt. Is the lack of suspenions in the regular season a result of no more hitting or has Shanny taken a break? Fuck you Dany Heatley!

I like to wear a condom when I peruse HockeyDump. Just to be safe.

2011-10-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

How do we explain the lack of posts on the Dump lately? Well, there are many reason really, but in the end, the site was giving out malware like blowjobs at a junior prom. Is it all fixed now? Dunno. I would be wary if I was you.

The week that was: Wayne

2011-09-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

Hey kids,

Looks like no one else around here wants to tackle the tough issues. The news items that really demand the attention of a blog with that certain je-ne-sais-quoi, when it comes to boondoggling the bamboozlers, tackling when others might tip-toe. So here we are, let's have at 'er.

Nigger. Faggot.

Those two words are the easiest summation of the trials and tribulations this week of one Wayne Simmonds, close-to-elite level NHL player. Two separate incidents, one per word, that Simmonds was a part of the past seven days. One the victim the other the vocalist.

Incident one:

A spectator threw a banana at Flyers forward Wayne Simmonds during an overtime shootout attempt in Philadelphia’s preseason game against the Detroit Red Wings in Ontario.

Okay, in case you didn't figure it out from the picture, Wayne Simmonds is black. The use of a banana, when thrown at a black person, is considered a racial slur. I guess it means they are a monkey, or a gorilla, or that only black people really like bananas and other races don't. Fuck, I really don't know. It's kind of confusing because I call my yellow friend a banana because he is yellow on the outside but white on the inside. But what's a double-sided race card other than a barrel of laughs at an apple bobbing competition in Ontario's rural backwoods?

To clarify, the article doesn't use the word nigger anywhere in it. Nor does it say the banana wielding hick screamed it as he put his diabolical plan into action. I used the word nigger because that's what we're supposed to think when we read the headline. And you can only take a word's power away by using it. My guess is, if presented the opportunity, the idiot who threw the banana would not take it, to call Wayne Simmonds a nigger. Unless he was feeling suicidal.

The long and the short of the scenario: Simmonds composed himself and scored on his shoot-out attempt. The Red Wings did end up scoring the winner, no news if any backbone-less slimebags anointed them with projectiles of their own.

All mood-lightening jokes aside, and straight -up takes on racism as well, it sounds like Simmonds was fairly matter-of-fact in his dealing with the proceedings. To think that he hasn't been dealing with similar bullshit (although not is such a spectacular fashion) for a good chunk of his life is naive and hoighty-toighty of any person to believe.

Incident two:

Does WAyne Simmonds call Sean Avery a "fucking faggot"?

Oh dear. So less than a week later the victim is the violator in the tribunal of public disdain, the pit of xeno-homo-centuriphobes.

An anecdote! I never laced em up (unlike the other contributors) as a youngster, and didn't give two fucks for hockey until my dearly departed grandfather got me interested in (my now despised) Canucks hockey. It didn't take too many years for me to turn into a testosterone-producing puberty-pushing rage-addled teen, and a huge advocate of the term "fucking faggot" to express my displeasure at any given player or play, be it on the team I was rooting for or the enemy. The hindsight homophobic humbling of these few years is that my dad sat in the other room (he never liked any sports) listening to me wail and bellow bigotry, all the while being a (closeted) "fucking faggot".

I'd be lying if I said I've never used the term nigger in my life. The roots of racism lie deep in some families and you are exposed to it at some point. I also listened to gangsta rap fairly religiously for about a decade, so when you're getting down like a fly ass white-boy does, sometimes you just gotta rap along with Bushwick and Willie D.

Anyways, this article isn't about pointing fingers at Wayne Simmonds for being a hippocrite. It's about pointing fingers at everyone else who wants to turn every banana or fag-bomb into a personal crusade to clear a conscience that they could easily void themselves if they just did some soul searching and realized the onus lies on everyone's hands, and if not, bloodline. So unless you are a test-tube baby, go get high and jerk your blue balls off and tell the closest Chinese lesbian how it felt. It worked for John Lennon.

Fuck, how do you think Peter Worrell felt about playing on the Panthers with this piece of shit cruising around ruining everyone's fun?

Marchand & The Starley Cup Champians

2011-09-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

"Marchand confirmed there was a gaffe made on his Stanley Cup tattoo, in his recent "diary" for ESPN Boston":

"Let me clear something up. After we won, a bunch of us got tattoos here in the dressing room of the Garden. Mine originally was misspelled. Instead of saying Stanley Cup Champions it said Stanley Cup Champians. I don't even know how that happened. After I got it, I came in the room and someone was like it says champians ... with an a.

So I went back and the tattoo guy fixed it after that. It's fixed now. It never said Starley either, not sure how that rumor got started. It's Stanley. They obviously knew how to spell Stanley Cup. The only thing that was wrong with it was an a and he turned it into an o for champions".

Fucking Idiot. He wouldnt have noticed if someone didnt point it out. Looks like Starley to me, dont know what Brads looking at...

Ron?

2011-09-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

The fucking idiots are out

2011-09-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

Fucking great. Just fucking great. It's all of 3 months and 5 days old, and guess what I had to endure at work today?

Jersey-sightings. Pre-season talk. The jaw-dropping elan of Chanook fans prancing around my fucking city as if it was the beginning of a Cup-defense season.

Hey... MORONS: YOU FUCKING LOST THE STANLEY CUP FINALS IN ONE OF THE MOST EPIC, DYNAMIC, UNHEARD-OF IMPLOSIONS SINCE EINSTEIN SPLIT THE FUCKING ATOM!

Truth be told I don't think splitting an atom is a true implosion, but I don't fucking care. Facts impeding my analogies are the least of my problems with these fucking yahoos back on the loose.

Chanook fans should all suffer the ravaging pain of nuclear aftermath. Only the Buffalo Bills losing 3 Superbowls in a row could trump this. The Canucks absolutely shit their pants. Destroyed their fucking Cooperalls harder than a geriatric shotgunning a 4L of Prune Juice after a bean buffet at Foody Goody. I believe their delusion now not only surpasses that of the average Leaf fan, it exponentially obliterates it.

NFL is my drug of choice (other than whatever liquid with a 4% or higher alcohol volume I can get my hands on). I have to wait 7 FUCKING MONTHS between games of meaning. These fucking Chanuckle-heads got to watch their rancid excuse for a hockey club for one month MORE THAN MY WAIT BETWEEN GAMES.

But not this year. This year I learn the black magic. I learn the voodoo. I put a hex on the fucking Seedinks and that greasy muppet they call Robby BLue. I hope that they finish tied for 8th with the fucking Blackhawks and get edged out by the Hawks goal celebration song and a Toews hit on some Canucks Place unfortunate.

Do you want to know what I did during the 4 Bruins wins in that series? I slept. Not on purpose, except for Game 7. I was so gassed from work the previous 3 Bruins wins I had taken a nap. It seemed to do the trick so I came home and put myself to bed instead of watching Game 7. And guess what happened? I woke up to a riot in my city. And I fucking LOOOOOOOOOOVED IT!!!! I threw on the song "Black and YEllow" and I danced around in my fucking underpants. Look at all those idiots showing how classless the fans in this city are! TARNISH THE SHITTY IDIOT FANS!

I told this story to a high-school friend at someone's birthday party (we used to watch Canucks games when I was fan years ago) and he literally got up and left the party. SCORE ONE FOR NON-CANUCKS FANS EVERYWHERE!

The cops should have rode around today and picked up every dirtball wearing a jersey and thrown them in jail for reasons of city security.

Whatever. Fuck you low-life shitbag motherfuckers. Your delusion of future possibility only makes the tears of yesterdays past that much sweeter, even if they've hardly had time to dry.

The Caveman of Sportsnet

2011-09-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

With another NHL season around the corner, the Caveman of Sportsnet will be vomiting up another 8 months of useless information for the viewing public. Who hired this fucking Meat Head in the first place? He's the reason Boogard and Rypien overdosed, Belak hung himself, and the Yak-42 couldnt get it up. Get this Caveman Cancer off the air. Below is a series of videos showing him breaking a leg, getting made fun of, and bleeding out of his head which concluded a career of lowered expectations. Enjoy the show.

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Leg snapping like a twig, courtesy of Mr. Barnaby. Hilarious! Even Harry Potter's having a laugh in the background.

Sucking in Ottawa.

Still Sucking in Montreal.

Closing the chapter on a Pile of Broken Dreams. Bleeding Head, Awesome! Go Fuck Yourself Nicky!

FANTASY HOCKEY

2011-09-15T18:24:00.000-07:00

DUMPLINGS!

It's strange that the notion of fantasy hockey has never (to my knowledge) shown up in the Dump. You see, contributors are all part of a Keeper (Dynasty for you yanks). I know, imagine the amount of alcohol-fueled, profanity-laden hazing involved. It's all you can imagine and more on Draft Day (godlike).

Anyways, I wanted to toss this out:

Dobbs (if you don't know, better ask somebody) has Sid the (lip-) Stick, contributing 65 games to the Pens. That total might seem a bit optimistic, it does to me. But the optimism overflow does not end there.

Point projection for brokehead over those 65? Nothing less than 102 points, putting him in the top three (projections, don't forget)

He's paid to do it. We aren't. I know, strange that no one has thrown their hat into the burning ring of fire that is the HD to pay us paupers our just dues for these glowing contributions to the blogosphere. A travesty, to be sure.

Anyways...

WTF IS HE ON?

C.H.O.D.E.

2011-09-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

Welcome to a new segment at the dump: Cool Hockey Of Days Ere-gone. It will be a feature that shows up whenever the fuck it wants, probably never again.

Ron Tugnutt. How did this name not elicit more chuckles in my younger days? The idea of having to tug your nuts is awesome. His name crossed my mind today and I laughed, so I went looking for something cool. Some CHODE surfing if you will.

CHODE worthy, I suppose, if only to have a video associated with my amusement at some guy's last name.

PIGGY BANK NIGHT

2011-09-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

Really dont know what they were thinking here. WTF!

Toews knocks some kid the fuck out.

2011-09-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

Too good.

FURIOUS ASIAN

2011-09-10T15:33:00.001-07:00

Due to the Unsuccessful Take-Off Of A Certain Yak-42, The Hockey World Missed Another Shrewd Signing by The Penguins... Hello Richard Park. Great Move Shero. I`m Pretty Sure The Rest Of The League Thought He Retired. Makes Up For The Loss Of Sidney`s Brain.

The shortest plane flight in hockey, KHL edition

2011-09-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

Kontinental Hockey League’s Lokomotiv Yaroslavl's plane went down shortly after take-off, I'm assuming sometime in the last 24 hours as I had not heard of this yesterday around this time. 43 dead, including coach Brad McCrimmon, a Stanley Cup winner with the Calgary Flames, as well as former NHLers Pavol Demitra, Ruslan Salei, and Josef VAsicek. The Devils' prospect Alex Vasyunov was also counted among those who perished.

These posts are delicate.

On one had a tragic loss of life. When a co-worker informed me about this at work today I did, in actuality, stop and reflect on how terrible this was, knowing only that Demitra was on the team, as only former Canucks register in the brains of Vancouver fans.

On the other hand, this is The Dump, and there is a standard that contributors must pindown, no matter how lowly.

You may ask yourselves, "How could this happen?". The easy answer: "It's the KHL idiot". Any longtime reader would be privy to prior posts ridiculing Russia's sporting answer to America's XFL. Though longer lasting that the aforementioned motley assembly of big league cast-offs and never-weres, the KHL trumped the XFL in its pittance to players. Players forced to survive solely on their love for the game, daily gruel rations and whatever banana peels fans deemed them worthy of. And now the travel accommodations take center stage as an upcoming satellite hot-stove topic.

But I digress. Dead horses and 18 hole Doc Marlins aside, there is far more tragedy in this turn of events than the recent "Tough Guy Trio" that has garnered so much sports media fervor. Though details remain few surrounding those deaths, there is an aspect of self-selection involved, though the argument for peer-expectations does pose some validity. To me there is a difference between dying after stepping aboard a bus to get to work and getting off work and stepping in front of it.

Well, you can sort of see how the Dump can only hide its ugly head in the snow for so long before the urge to rear becomes to much to contain.

So as an RIP I have myself a bottle of Russian Standard Vodka, of which I am now imbibing. It's really not much of a send off, but damn is it tasty.

For juxtaposition's sake:

If the plane had gone down in the mountains of Minsk, at least Alex Galimov having to go "Alive" on it would have trumped the in-flight meal.

It's The Dump. You weren't gonna get off that easy.

RIP Flight YAk-42.

History Will Be Made

2011-09-06T17:43:00.000-07:00

Here's to another Cup Run and subsequent Riot. Well done Vancouver!

SUICIDE WATCH 2011

2011-09-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

So The Burning Question Going Into The 2011/12 NHL Season Has To Be:
Which Former NHL Tough Guy Hits The Eject Button On Life Next? Odds On Favourite Has Got To Be Gino, Dont Have To Look Much Further Than The Above Pic To Come To That Conclusion. Let The Suicide Watch Begin!!!

THE ALLSTAR

2011-09-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

Because we needed to look at something that wasnt a dead guy and his kid.. Gotta love the All Star.

DEAD.

2011-09-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

Jesus, a pic with his daughter? That is in very bad taste.

Jose Theodore wants you to rub one out at the game.

2011-08-31T17:15:00.000-07:00

Jose: So I was thinking of maybe putting a cool cartoon cat on the side of my mask this year.

Mask Guy: Ok, cool. So you mean like a tough cartoon panther?

Jose: Ya, kinda. Like a really neat girl cat.

Mask Guy: You want the panther to be a girl?

Jose: Ya, you know. Like a basic sexy girl panther in a bikini.

Mask Guy: You want me to paint a panther in a bikini on the side of your mask?

Jose: That's a great idea!

Mask Guy: D cups?

Jose: Yes, D cups.

Easy Ryder.

2011-08-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

I like how Mike over here clearly sees that he has taken a massive shite on in and around The Cup, but decides to just roll the discretion inwards as to hopefully mask his bed shitting for another day. Fucking smooth as ice. The lonestar state has got to be pleased as punch with this mental wizard.

MORE SIDNEY...

2011-08-29T23:35:00.000-07:00

Another shot at poor old Sidney...

WHO BROKE SIDNEY'S BRAIN?

2011-08-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

So who's sick of hearing about the progress of Mr. Crosby's Off-Season Training? I know I am.. So the question is, Steckel or Hedman, which hit broke Sids Brain?

The Career Ender

2011-08-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

It used to be ok to end careers. What ever happened to this Golden Era? Even the announcers found the humour in concussions. Check the 44 second mark, "Knocks Bassen Goofy". Concussions are still funny, just frowned upon by the establishment. Hats off to you Mr. Stevens.

The plausibility of this idea is growing everyday.

2011-08-22T22:20:00.001-07:00

Pretty kewl, I guess.

2011-08-22T16:58:00.001-07:00

The Contest Entry Form:

The Advert:

The Spoils:

I guess the diabolical jew got me to do his bidding, partially, but I couldn't find him any video ad of Wayner... that last pic makes up for it though.

When you're this Big they call you, Goalie.

2011-08-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

Anyone else remember that Mr.Big commercial from the 80's with Wayne Gretzky? I tried effortlessly to find it on you YouTube, for at least 10 seconds, and it didn't pop up. All I really remember from it was Wayne in all white, jumping up into a freeze frame while the Mr.Big singers rejoiced that "Mr.Big just can't be beat". Is this true? Can Mr.Big not be beat? Was Gretzky supposed to be Mr.Big in this scenario? Because, I gotta tell ya, Wayne may not have been the best spokesperson for a candybar that boasts it's appeal in mass. Maybe someone like Rogatien Vachon would have been a better choice. That guy probably swallowed those things whole, like a bird, in between periods.

Why wouldn't this work?

2011-08-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

Seriously, couldn't you just cram this Mexican Peach into some Vaughn's for 60 minutes? Sure the conditioning is lacking, but couldn't you just Fuhr that shit up a notch?

Editor's note: That slab of human fantasy is 1320LBS! What is he, a fucking Fiero?

Lets Laugh At Concussions Together..

2011-08-17T21:28:00.001-07:00

No Doughty.

2011-08-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

Jesus fucking Christ. Shut the fuck up about Drew Doughty's RFA status. Does anybody outside the SoCal market give a shit? Is this the slowest hockey news summer ever? It's Sundin-Gate all fucking over again. Lombardi Vs. Meehan? Who gives a shit? I guarantee that Doughty is suited up by the start of the season, which would make the THOUSANDS of hours that all the papers and radio and blogs have spent on the subject absofuckinglutely moot. All this for a 40 point jagoff? Get a fucking job.

Truly Tasteless

2011-08-16T00:16:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well....

Some blogs might've had the audacity to ask why we got back in the game at such an inopportune midsummer's night... or maybe that was just some contributor pointing out obvious idiocies we so clearly thrive on. Either way, sometimes the answer presents itself, in glowing fashion, in an opportunity for some asshole to simply act as such in a time there is no need to be...

Let's tabulate:

WEll done! Rypien holding his own against one of the bigger pylons in the NHL.

Awesome! Rypien showing his prowess versus some huge dude I am not familiar with.

Cantankerousness! Rypien beat up old man May in a dukeroonie!

Rypien showing he doesn't care if you are a tower of power of Fanrappa de clappa, he will take all comers!!!

Super excited to go and show everyone how great he is at hockey, and at just beating the shit out of people in general.

Anyways fuck it. I have questions regarding his "personal leaves" one of them enduring 70 games. Need I remind anyone that is just over half the number of games an NHL team plays in? Just over.

Drugs? Bi-polar? Shit-house nutzoid?

It's not very strange, being that Canada prides itself on shutting down nuthouses and letting criminals roam the streets in general. I guess it's really just truly a fucking loss that some character guy didn't get another shot a busting some domes. Dream almost came true for a legend in a bunch of people's semi-level minds.

Fucking criminal, really.

Dear other blogs,

2011-08-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

Shut the fuck up about Corsi Ratings. They are way over your heads, and instead of coming off as puck savvy, you just sound like a bunch of assholes.

Cheers,

-The Dump

(international jerk off motion coupled with fart sounds).

2011-08-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

This website feels like this episode.... Is there really more than 3 followers here? Feels like Davey thinks theres an army backing us..

Whatever, Mmmmm, Meth.

"Hogwarts looks fun"

2011-08-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

Brent Burns got a Harry Potter tattoo. I didn't even think it was possible for an NHLer to have a disappointed Father, but, there ya go.

Welcome to San Fransis-er,....Jose.

Mmmmmm..... Meth

2011-08-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

Lifes Not Always About Hockey,here's another fun way to pass the time...
Clean Bitch Clean!!

The dream is still alive!

2011-08-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Damn, the Dump could not have resurrected itself at a better time as news just came down across the wire that the great Janne Pesonen will be a The Jets training camp this fall!

Christ, let the hockey gods be given the strength to right this horrendous wrong. After a tiny bullshit stint on the 4th line in Pittsburgh two season's ago, Janne was banished to the KHL to toil as a pinko sloth. But now like a club hopping phoenix, he will rise again as the savoir of Winnipeg!

IN JANNE WE TRUST.

Editor's Note: Pesonen has been the focus of 3 of the first 5 new HD posts since our wonderus return. NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA...

Sean Avery is a scholastic, gentlemanly, pig-pusher.

2011-08-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

Way to go Sean. Way to push that fucking pig that showed up to your door trying to shut down your party. You fucking show him who's boss!

This is all hear-say and circumcismal, but there are reports that Sean Avery, Lady Byng hopeful, may have had some sort of fracas-invlovement with officers of the law that were attempting to reel in a get-together at a venue of his choosing.

Who the fuck do these pigs think they are, anyways? It's THE SEAN AVERY FUCKING WINE MIXER!

Avery would most likely be risking a bit of his stake at future NHL viability. His response? "It'll all work out at some point". I guess I would feel confident that my career and future were in good hands, especially if I handed my legal troubles over to the career-saving lawyer in charge of Mel Gibson's and Lindsay Lohan's law run-ins.

Bravo Sean. Maybe you can Haute-Couture the shit outta the pen you go to. Not to be confused with the pen that "fat little pigs" live in.

The most amazing of all this? If you google Sean Avery under News, he is trumped by some name-saked mare that placed 1st at VAderbilt [assumes this is an improtant horse race]. AT least someone is #winning.

Uh,...

2011-08-09T18:56:00.001-07:00

So wait, are you implying that August may not be the best time to relaunch a hockey blog?

Fuck. I don't think we thought this one through. Not a lot to wet the hockey whistle in the mid summer' heat. I imagined that the flood of anger and bullshit that would inevitably flow like a drunken piss off a suicidal bridge would carry us forward once the damn broke, but instead I find myself creatively floating face down in a stagnant pool of regret. But come on, fuck this. We went years before this, finding anything and everything to wipe our journalistic asses with. What about the Weber's sweet seven? Or how about Heatley and his holy hog flying north for the winter. Those must be post worthy. are they not? I think I just need one event to unfold that makes me want to to login and fuck. Not the easiest emotion to find at times. I guess when it happens it happens, but until then, I think it's time for a HockeyDump classic. Sing it with me now,....

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!

Pess Who's Back?

2011-08-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

Remember when Luongo said that he felt better about winning the series vs Chicago than he did the Olympic Gold?

What a fucking dipshit.

New account, same name, same drivel, same game. Get ready for the slowest 3 minutes since we pulled out of an Afghani cream-pie, you dumplings. Feels good to dust 'em off. Now let's put it to good use. HOO-LAH-LAH

This Guy Shouldnt Get A Parade, Or A Ring!

2011-08-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

Anybody else think this Broken Down Bruin didnt deserve a spot in the Parade? And who's that slut he brought to the party? Furthermore, this loser also doesnt deserve a ring for his lack of effort in the Final. Lifes not fair Nathan, you dont get to have your cake and eat it too. Go Fuck Yourself and get a better helmet.

Is this thing on?

2011-08-03T18:54:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, as I live and breathe. It appears that hell has indeed come upon it's own juicy cold spell, as the dead are rising from their contemptuous graves. "Is it true?", the raucous children on the playgrounds will beg. And with a mighty splatter, the righteousness of the few will reign. It is true. The Hockey Dump has returned to the blogosphere. The traveller has come. But has this return of the dead come at a greater cost? Is this merely a rushed sequel branded with rehashed defamation? The answer is undoubtedly, absofuckinglutely. And if you don't like it, then you can quite literally and figuratively, if you may, GO FUCK YOURSELF. The dump is back. Time to pay the piper.

-Davey Williams

PS - The other turds are also back with a possibility of new contestants in the future. So, ya.

BLOG DOWN! BLOG DOWN!

2009-12-18T23:23:00.000-08:00

Quite clearly The Dump has gone the way of the dinosaurs. Will it ever be back? Who knows. But for now, please enjoy all the rants and general malaise of the past. God speed you black emporer, God speed.

The slowest Three Minutes in Hockey: Slow Start To The Blogging Season Edition

2009-10-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

Okay folks, time to let 'er rip.

Johnny Mitchell is a gem? Who the FUCK is Johnny Mitchell? Are Burke and Wilson paying for this shit? All the money that's tied up in that back end and he's touting some guy named Johnny Mitchell? It's not like they can just stick Jeff Finger in the minors and make his salary disappear.

Jason Blake should play center. This is getting good. So all the pure centers they have on this squad and it's time to take an old winger and turn him into a center to dish to Kessel? Yeah, fucking Jason Blake is the next fucking Marc Savard. Maybe I should be looking to dish Kessel in my keeper, since the Leafs brass probably use these talks as their blueprint for success.

"Do you have a picture of a young boy?" WHAT?!?!?!

Ok, so he is showing us a pic of a dead kid from the pig's poo flu. Sad, I guess, or maybe it is sadder that Don stumbled over getting H1N1 out of his mouth when that's the only thing I've seen on the TV and the front of the paper for the last month.

What's Don's solution to H1N1 you ask? Vaccines maybe? Nope: "Have your own bottle, no more high fives". Brilliant

PUT UP THE TROOPERS I FEEL LIKE CRYING!!

JESUS CHRIST!!!!

Editor's note: Apologies for the lack of posts, but, really, I'm not the only motherfucker that contributes to this disease. I will also be shutting down my internet for a while, so don't expect much from my bitch ass. I am looking at Williams and Towers to step the fuck up. Either that or this turns into an excuse to go over to my buddy's place and get drunk and post. Only time will tell.

That's for the kids.

Announced attendance 6,899.

2009-10-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

That means there was probably only around 4 Grand there at best. Holy shit, this is going to get far worse before it gets better. I can't fucking wait.

Can they possibly break the magic 1000 mark? God I hope so.

GO! COYOTES! GO!

Scott Hartnell bites Kris Letang

2009-10-08T18:43:00.000-07:00

I have no proof, but that's what the announcers are speculating right now. Man I hope Fartsmell went Tyson on that shit!!!

Zdeno Chara is a frustrating mess.

2009-10-07T21:45:00.001-07:00

I haven't been less inspired to post my hockey thoughts in a long time. I'm not sure if it's because the hockey world just got repetitive, or if it's just the basic fact that I am a manic depressive that is reaching the beautiful end. I'm sure I could muster up the shazz to post some rant on the Toronto medias complete love affair with anything Burke, or maybe a scathing post regaling the wonder the is "Battle of the Blades". But it just seems easier to roll over and post this amazing picture of Zdeno and his man body. I don't even need to write anything for this. I am your prototypical blogger. Lazy as shit. Someone give me an award.

PS - I think I might be gay. That would be amazing.

The Slowest Three Minutes In Hockey: 30th Anniversary Edition

2009-10-01T17:13:00.001-07:00

Hey there young bucks!!

So it's the 30th anniversary! Of the Dump? Hell no, this shithole hasn't been around that long, we would've been writing from our cribs! But, my favorite target, Dunn-didely-dunn-dunce Cherry has been spitting drivel over electromagnetic waves for exactly that, 30 seasons!

I would just like to take a moment to honour Dunce. He has not only managed to stay on the air for that long, spitting hogwash and horseshit to whoever will listen, but he has also managed to turn himself into a national celebrity, whom many Canadians would probably vote into office.

O Canada....

So not a ton to report tonight. Dunce seems pretty proud that he called the kettle black. The "kettle" being Brian Burke and "black" being a hot-headed-Irishman-who- values-goons-over-skill. Bravo! I hope he had a potato pancake in celebration.

I might!

It feels good to be back.

Sidenote: When I came back to the dump the other day, I got some weird messages from my browser. If anyone else experiences the same problems and still has the nuts to come in here, please let Williams know so we can try to figure out what it's all about.

Nevermind the Off-Season, Here's HockeyDump.

2009-10-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

I got nothing to say right now, but damn, this should be played before every hockey game every played.

Guess who's back?

2009-09-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hey Kids,

It's been a short off-season. It was a beautiful summer out here on the west coast of Canada. I enjoyed heat waves and barbecues, break-ups and moves, noise-complaints and sports drafts. It was eventful and emotional. But there comes a time to hunker down and dust-off the childish blogs of yesteryear. Times like 1:31pm PST on Wednesday the 30th of September, aka the eve of the NHL regular season. I'm sick as a dog, so I have nothing else to do. Who takes two weeks off after summer ends anyways?

So here we are, Silver Spoon-style, except my face is your monitor and Williams isn't going to hire Mr. T to protect your ass if I start picking on you.

Me And Mr. T - Season 1 - Episode 104 -
Milk Money Bitches.

Enough of that garbage, let's attack some hockey topics:
Don Cherry is going to be a judge of figure skating on a CBC reality tv series. Personally, I think this is tremendous.
Especially tremendous is the opportunity for Glenn Anderson to do some triple axels. You know he's got it in him.

Is anyone else excited about watching their favorite teams play the Habs this year? Their off-season signings should make it similar to Gullivar's Travels with ice skates. I can't wait to see who on that top line goes into the corner to get a puck. I'd say the smart money is on none of them.

That's about all I have for now. But I would like to share a couple pretty goals with you. This kid has been pegged by multiple people as being a third line center. Just thought I would let you know he'll be first line center by year's end (or the next Darren Haydar). Here's hoping for the former, I drafted his ass in my keeper.

HockeyDump became an Ovechkin FanSite so slowly, I didn't even notice.

2009-08-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

RUSSIA TODAY: How do you prepare for the game?

OVECHKIN: Sex really helps, actually.

RUSSIA TODAY: Is that before or after the match?

OVECHKIN: Before and after.

Ain't no Party like an OV8 Party, Cause an OV8 Party don't stop.

2009-07-27T13:56:00.001-07:00

Q: What do you get when Alexander Semin, Sergei Fedorov, Boris Yeltson and a gaggle drunk sluts all get together to celebrate the human inigma that is Alexander Ovechkin?

A: This.

Man Crush

2009-07-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

I am not the only one who has a thing for the Pessy-Jesus

NA-NA-NA

This is for Davey

2009-07-25T21:41:00.001-07:00

EST YOUR HEART OUT WILLIAMS!!!!

Fuck, I hate the Off-Season.

2009-07-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

Why no blogs?

Because it's summer, and the sun is out.

Go do something.

-HD.

Captain EO enjoys ice hockey, molesting.

2009-06-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

Geno is all over OV's Sloppy Seconds.

2009-06-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

This is a video of Alyonka Larionov hosting her own cooking show in what appears to be her apartment. I'm confused. I thought Aylonka was OV's ladybird, and also, this is clearly NOT A COOKING SHOW, and also, and the food looks horrifying. I would say that in the future, maybe keep the show down to one language, and try to have some sort of knowledge of, ya know, cooking. And what was Letang doing there? He was clearly cock-blocking Malkin. Or maybe he wants a filthy 3-way. Ya, that's much more likely. That Kris Letang is gonna slam down on a legends daughter, then point up at the sky in respect to his boy Luc Bourdon. Those two are like Tom & Jerry, except slightly less racist. Wait, What the fuck am I talking about?

...

Also, here is a photo essay on how Geno is spending his summer vacation. (Note: That's not Aylonka, that's Oksana Kondakova. She is some divorced bitch that Geno uses as a cum rag). And yes, I do realize what a scumbag I am.

It's gonna be a long off-season.

2009-06-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know how it happened, but even with 3 separate blog contributors, we managed to go almost 2 weeks without a post. I personally blame 9/11.

There were rumours coming from 2 reliable sources that told me that Spec7ral had posted a rather odd video of himself and a co-host of sorts wearing masks or wigs or something, and drunkenly carrying on. I was never privy to the visual, but I'm sure that if he took it down, it must have really been something. But either way, on with the post...

Where to begin? Do I post about Dany in the Ott, and what a fucking baby that guy is? Or maybe the strong Pronger to the Kings rumour that has been spreading like wildfire all day? Maybe I could talk about the big Game 7 that hits us in just under 2 hours? Or how about none of the above. How about I just leave this blog just the way I found it. Waiting for Spec7al or Towers to smear their waste all over it in the great name of Internet Commentary. Ya, that sounds about right to me.

How about I leave you with a small taste of how The Florida Panther's treat the 38 people that actually come to their games....

WTF?

2009-05-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

Song. Pics. Help.

Big Poppa Pat

2009-05-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

Roy said the decision was due to family reasons. Both sons, who played under their father with the Quebec Remparts junior team, will be pursuing interests other than hockey. "Jon is starting a new career right now in music...Frederick is going to Santa Monica to study and give a try as an actor, and I just want to make sure that I'm there to support them," Roy said. The club actually has a vacancy for its general manager post and not its coach, as Tony Granato still officially has that title. The GM position wasn't offered to Roy, apparently.

Fuck, I can not WAIT for the "Princes of Darkness" reality series, featuring the weekend bender coke-off with dad footing the bill.

Can someone PLEASE join Freddy's facebook friends to get some pictures? I need more chest!!

The Wizard of Zezel.

2009-05-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

I usually leave this shit up to Spec7ral, but it appears that he is on some sort of hockey sabbatical ever since I knocked his crippled ass out of our pool.

Anyways, the point of this post is to honour the recently deceased the only way HockeyDump knows how. With an ass full of class....

The coffin lid shut with a thud.
The pallbearers clomped through the mud.
The requiem started. The dearly departed
Was dead as a dodo or dud.

Leave it to the Irish to put everything into prospective. Long live the Zezel.

Note: Did you know that Peter Zezel was in Youngblood? Check him at the 2:21 mark. Sex personified.

Are the Pens going to the Stanley Cup Finals?

2009-05-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

Yes. Yes, they are.

There is a storm a brewing...

2009-05-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

So where was I? Right, I was reminiscing about my brilliance in predicting everything there is to do with hockey. Some people call my unique ability a gift from God, I say, I am just a man. The smartest man that ever walked this green, green earth.

This last April 2nd, I made a post on this very site where I predicted that The lowly Carolina Hurricanes would triumph their way up the warm playoff road to the Eastern Conference Finals. My bold prediction was not welcomed with open arms. But who would dare go against my amazing words you ask? None other than my linemate of freedom, HockeyDump's Spec7ral himself. In fact here is his slanderous quote...

"Carolina making it to the third round makes me laugh vomit until I puke snot." -Spec7ral

I know. Shocking. But why am I bringing this up now you ask? What benefit could there possibly be for writing this beyond my rubbing my own ego? Could it be that I have some sick need to publically call out a fine and respected blogger like Spec7ral for my own benefit? Am I really that petty? Do I really need this kind of attention? Yes. But that is not why I am posting this. I am posting this merely because, he would have done the same for me. And that is in the HD charter (which you can find to your right). It states:

4. HockeyDump can and will single you out just because it felt like a fun thing to do at the time.

And it did indeed feel like a fun thing to do at this time. And don't get me wrong, that slippery bastard will find any way he can to shove his pen up my cornhole in return. So feel I my work here is done. I leave a crippled man as a king. I don't know many facts in this life, but one fact for sure is, I am the greatest hockey mind this universe has or will ever see. I am the definition of the word, Wonderful.

Also, Spec7ral predicted the Rangers in the Conference Finals.

Crazy Talk

2009-05-17T02:26:00.000-07:00

Everybody loves predictions, especially at this time of year. So here we go, Hockey Dump style:

Detroit vs. Chicago:

All I have to say is Chicago is Anaheim without mustaches....

Chicago is faster than puberty. Detroit is quicker than hair.

Detroit will win (in 6).

Pittsburgh vs. Carolina

Staal vs. Staal. Boring vs. Boring.....except Eric is actually amazingly good.

Fleury vs. Ward. One of them has already urinated in the Cup.

Carolina will win (in 5).

Here's an unrelated slick hockey move to keep you happy:

Fickle fucking fans

2009-05-13T10:28:00.001-07:00

It had been a long winter for Vancouverites. Multiple snowfalls had made the cold season’s grip that much tighter on the city’s inhabitants. Coupled with the economic recession that the continent was smack dab in the middle of, old man winter had all but squeezed every last drop of ambition from the entire metropolitan mass.

Now that’s my kind of winter.

The spring burst forth with ferocity, people embracing its arrival as if it were summer herself knocking at the door. I was open to the change in weather. I was eager to hit the city’s parks and patios for liquid refreshments, though the patios held less appeal since the city’s smoking bylaws prevented patrons from carcinogenic imbibitions.

I was not; however, open to the coinciding emptiness that had thrust itself upon the streets that April. The Vancouver Canucks had made the NHL playoffs and a city of nonexistent fans had materialized. There were flags flown from automobiles, jerseys dusted off that hadn’t seen the light of day for years, even more jerseys bought a day earlier, the price tag still attached and blowing in the spring wind. All this accompanied by a general celebratory glow on the faces of imbeciles all around me.

I began searching for war paint immediately. I could not be asked to comport myself in a civil manner with all this tomfoolery going on in my midst.

Now, you see, it's important to understand, I am nothing if not an avid despiser of the Canucks. This despite the fact I grew up loving them, I went through the pain of '94 and stuck with them. The debacles thereafter? I was by their side.

Side note:That handle on the bottom right of the picture above is eerily similar to mine...

But the last few years, the team just lost me. They started playing "D" first, which may be a great idea when you have one of the best goalies in the league, but it doesn't translate into exciting hockey. And if I'm going to watch sports, I'm not in it to fall asleep. That's what I do after crushing 15 beers while watching the game.

But my hatred for the Canucks and what they did to the team I had loved the longest, pales in comparison to my hatred for the sports writers and fans in this city.

Now that the team that so many loved for all of two weeks has been ousted from the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the finger-pointing is at an all time high. The back of The Province screams out in bold block letters "TRADE LUONGO". Other writers say jettison the entire defense. Whispers of people glad the Sedins will not re-sign in the city. Let's blame the Game 6 loss on the refs!

In the few periods I did catch of Canucks hockey this post-season, I can tell you this much: trading Luongo would be huge mistake. The only reason they even made it into the playoffs was that man. They also swept the hottest team in hockey in the first series. They played well enough against Chicago, the 'Hawks just happen to have a linebacker they can stick in front of Luongo that none of the Canucks D-men cared to move or punish. I guess that would have been racist. And the Refs didn't lose that game for the Canucks, the lack of discipline by a bunch of hot-heads did. That and Hatrick Kane, with one of the best single efforts in a post-season game I can recall.

Actually, maybe it wasn't so much a single effort as an effort on the entire Canucks D letting him just walk in and coughing up pucks. Vancouver's defense was fucking horrendous in this series.

Here's what you do, and this is a better opinion than any you will find in the local papers, because I am actually an objective writer on the subject.

Re-sign the Sedins, they are the closest thing to a star that team has other than its captain. With their late first round pick, draft someone that Cody Hodgson has played with, or someone who grew up in BC. Dump Ohlund, dump Salo, lock up Edler to a multi-year deal. Tell Sundin to suck a fart out of my ass. Trade Kesler while his stock is high, he's not that good and that debacle at the end of the game where he came out of the penalty box is unforgivable. Tell Burrows to stop harassing goalies before someone takes his french-fried head off. Get Grabner to practice all off-season with the twinns. Tell Hodson he is the starting second line center in the fall so he better get fucking ready. Go after Cammaleri and Bouwmeester. Call Sakic and see if he would like to have a swan song with the 'Nucks, the Hodson can actually play 3rd line. Dump Labarbera and get Corey Schneider up all fucking ready. Sign Daniel Tjanqvist for more cheap swedish love in the dressing room.

I don't really know where I was going with this, other than to point out that a it's all just fucking speculation and trading Luongo isn't the answer, nor is not re-signing the twins unless you have a bona-fide all star or two to take their places.

Fuck this city, fuck the fans and fuck the sports writers. I am getting so fucking drunk for a real hockey game tonight. I don't have time for this shit.

Cheers, and enjoy the game tonight, I know everyone will be watching.

MVP! MVP! MVP!

2009-05-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if anyone stayed long enough after the game to see the locker room interviews, but Bobby decided the best course of action for the team captain would be to cry like a bitch. Actually, to tell you the truth, I would cry too if I completely folded in the biggest game of my NHL career.

Go back to Long Island.

UPDATE: I went over to YouTube to see if I could find a clip of Luongo crying, and I found a clip of him crying after the last time he was eliminated from the playoffs. Smoooooth.

The Bandwagon is dead!

2009-05-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

WOOHOO! Now I can bear walking around my city again. All those brand-new jerseys were getting to be a serious fucking eyesore.

"Push Back"

2009-05-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

I am sick and fucking tired of hearing this term being tossed around like a cheap big-house salad the last few weeks. Every time some team scores a goal the other team needs to muster some "push back". What the fuck is "push back"? It sounds like the last few seconds before ejaculation into a man's pucker at a greek bath house.

Hyped up hockey news.

2009-05-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to the hockey blog that takes convention and fucks it in the ass (Read: Infrequent posts that may or may not not have anything to do with hockey).

So here we sit half way through the 2nd Round of the old playoffs, and I really have nothing interesting to say. I guess I could go off on some borderline interesting topics and create my own hyped up hockey news like some of the other blogs do (fake coughs "Hockeybuzz"), but I really don't have the time or energy. I have been using most of my recent time BBQing in the backyard, and drinking beer at Mr. Towers abode. I find watching hockey at his place is 85% less my home, which may or may not contain a wife and kid. Either way, I'm still typing this, and you have already skipped this shit and jerked your eyes down to all the colorful pictures. And speaking of those pictures, they have nothing to do with anything. I just thought I would clear my pic folder out. So sit back, relax, and let HockeyDump do the thinking for you. Amen.

Ovechkin playing through injury? SPECulation, but SAY IT AIN'T SO MA!!!

2009-05-01T23:14:00.001-07:00

Some guy named Bakshir (or something ) is spreading NHL terror (or something)... saying that there is a possibility the grandmaster himself is playing through injury!!!

I think he is trying to get people to watch the NBA instead. Like people care about LeBron? NEVER!!! WE WANT OVIE!!!

Scheduling Conflict

2009-04-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

I would first like to say, the city of Vancouver is completely out of basil. Thus, I would like to follow that up with a big "Fuck You" to all of the grocers out there for fucking with my Game 7 Pot O' Lasagna.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I would also like the extend another large "Fuck You" to the idiots at the NHL head office, for the scheduling the last few days. Way to capitalize on as many viewers as possible, you fucking schmucks.

So THAT'S how they do it in their family.

2009-04-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

Forcing young boys to suck your cock in the middle of a playoff game is the type of out of the box thinking that transforms a regular middle age man from merely a hockey fan, to a SUPER FAN!

Kudos.

Ladislav Scurko ain't nothing to fuck with.

2009-04-26T14:45:00.001-07:00

Q: What do you do when you are a hockey referee and you are in an argument with Flyers prospect Ladislav Scurko?

A: Get stabbed 14 times, then buried in a forest.

Get the full story here.

O-M-G

2009-04-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

0v3ch!k!|\| ju57 h4c|<3d 7h3 s3rv3r!!!1!

Ovechkin just turned the Rangers into Swiss cheese. And I figured out why... it's because of the question he was asked by a reporter after the loss last game:

Holy shit, the fury of his eyes just burned my monitor a bit. I wonder if that woman is still alive?

"YOU THINK SEASON IS OVER? WE ARE IN PLAYOFFS IS NOT REGULAR SEASON. IS NO MORE QUESTIONS."

MY man crush grows larger by the minute.

This Just In: Tavares Sucks

2009-04-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

TSN wants to let you know that someone thinks that Tavares is not the #1 pick in the draft. Hell, he's not even the #2 pick in the draft!

Also, Calder finalists announced: Mason, Ryan and Versteeg. I'd put up a vote, but I'm tired of hearing how great Mason is. Maybe if they get swept people wll actually give Ryan some consideration (I know, I know it's based on regular season but everyone knows that's a load of horseshit). I think Ryan or Rinne deserve it more.

First Sweep EVAAAAAAAAAAR!

2009-04-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

Canucks swept the Blues. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

It was, however, their first sweep ever, so as a former die-hard fan, I felt the need to come up with some sort of celebratory HD photoshop.

I think that works perfectly.

FAT BRODEUR LOSES HIS SHIT!

2009-04-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

I was watching the end of this game, pretty miraculous. Carolina scored with .2 seconds left on the clock, tied 3-3 in the third, FTW. Well, they won, but Carolina winning is not FTW, it's just annoying...

...except if it makes Brodeur go fucking bananas.

I've got two lists and you're at the top of one of them

2009-04-20T20:19:00.001-07:00

Hey Everybody!

My name is Sean Avery and I have two lists of people. NHL goalies I have smacked in the head is one of them! Simeon Varalamov is the lastest to join my elite club. Hopefully we make it two the second round, so that Tim Thomas can make a repeat performance.

Chicken & Shitty Blogs

2009-04-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

So I have noticed a couple of things. One, that I often start my blog posts with "So,...blah,blah ,blah, here is a list of shit I want to say", and two, I don't like posting when there is hockey to be watched. I find that I only really want to talk about hockey when there is no hockey on TV. Seeing how this is the playoffs, and I am bathing in hockey daily, the old Dump is left a vacant mess. Now don't get me wrong, the other lovely ladies of HockeyDump are just as much to blame here(especially Mr.Towers, that guy is a ball bag), but seeing as I am the one that started the madness, I will take the hit here.

So what the hell am I talking about? I don't know (that's another thing I often do when I post. I ask a question, then I answer it. It's a winning formula, something that most Dumplings wouldn't know about).

Right,...so where was I?

OK, I have no idea what I'm even typing anymore, so I am just going to leave you with this great recipe for Drunken Chicken:

Step 1: Buy this...
1 whole chicken
a bunch of sea salt
a can of booze.
1 Pack of Smokes
aluminum foil

Step 2: Cook it.

Step 3: Eat it.

Ron McLean vs Colin Campbell

2009-04-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

I just watched the most enjoyable piece of hcokey entertainment the CBC has put out in quite some time. Colin Campbell came down from his "Ivory Tower" (I wasn't aware that I loved this term until Colin Campbell let us know how much he hates it) to discuss a few hot topics.

FOUND VIDEO!
Colin Campbell openly admits that he feels that Camalerri doesn't merit a suspension due to the fact that Campbell doesn't "think he's that type of guy", in reference to players he deems bullys, such as Carcillo (who did earn a suspension).

Let's compare the plays in question:

Jumping fucking Jesus on a motherfucking pogo stick. For the arbitrator of the National Hockey League to go on national television and proclaim that those two plays merit different suspensions, due to his personal view on the type of person either player is, that is some of the soupiest fucking bullshit I have ever heard. Rules should be in black and white. It's essentially the EXACT same thing happening, except that one player gets a suspension. What a load of rotten horse shit.

They touch on the Lucic bit as well, which I am pretty steamed about. I mean, I've got that fucker in my keeper pool, how am I going to win with that shit going on? I have a regular season crown to carry into the post-season for fuck's sakes!

Ron then gives Colin some guff about the fact that John Stevens wasn't allowed to use Carcillo for the last faceoff of the game. I'm not sure what that was all about, but I like the fact that Ron was pressing Colin for answers the way a drunk presses an old man for smokes after a session of binge drinking.

Colin gets kind of tired of being berated for information (I mean, really... who expects to have to answer questions in an interview?) and decides to try and turn the tables on Ron for his use of the term "Ivory Tower" in reference to his place of reign over the NHL. He comes off as insecure as he assures us of all the time and effort he puts in up in the IT department. Then again, Ron was shooting him sidelong glances that seemed to say "Hey Colin go piss up a rope".

Basically this post is just a big kudo to Ron McLean for giving Campbell the questioning and a big fuck you to Campbell for being a chimpy twerp.

Cocksuckers. More than meets the eye.

2009-04-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sure this video will be making an appearance on every hockey blog in the known universe (if it hasn't already), but Mr. Millions just enrolled himself in mandatory corporate sensitivity training. Good luck Roger, good luck.

GIVE YOUR BALLS A TUG YOU FUCKING PUSSY.

2009-04-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

I was reading a blog when those words came over my speakers loud and clear. It was the end of the 1st period in the Blues-'Nucks matchup, and I clicked the tab fast enough to see Kesler beaking at someone on the Blues bench. Now THAT is the kind of shit that will keep me tuning into these shit-ass match-ups.

"Give your balls a tug..." Fuck, that is some good shit.

Video will be posted when located. EDIT: FOUND IT! Doesn't mean I'm taking down the other picture!

In the meantime:

I hope no one has eaten anything recently!

Also, here is as good a reason as any to stop cheering for the Canucks:

I wonder which one of these guys was the one that got laid in that thing in '94? The other two guys keep breaking it out every run to try and break their cherries.

Taylor Pyatt's fiancee died?

2009-04-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

Looks like vehicular deaths are the new thing for the Canucks?

Slowest 3 weeks in hockey, making excuses while the lost time unravels.

2009-04-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hey There Dumplings!

Glad to be back from a brief tour of the southern gulf islands. Sad to say I didn't see much of any hockey, but I've got a 6 pack, a stomach full of over-priced margaritas and coronas, a smoldering quarrel (fueled by said mexi-bevs) with the GF and some internet archives to delve into...so...

LET'S ROCK AND ROLL!

Coach's room, crica April 4th.

Don starts off with some patriotic BS about the battle of Vimy and how the Canadian troops showed up and won it in a day, after the English and French had lost 100,000 troops previous to their arrival. Sounds like Cherry-picking to me, but hey, I am all about the puns.

One of the things that sucks about relaxing without technology and sports highlights, is that I see this over a week later:

Oh man. That is fucking brilliant. How is he a bad actor? That was some serious Broadway magic if you ask me.

So Don rips into Avery, and goes off about dalmatians not being able to change their spots. Good. Avery is a brainiac. Did he even get a suspension? Not that I can see. The NHL has a secret boner for this shit. I have a full blown throbbing one.

Not a lot more to report from this segment, other than this pic that they splashed up:

That's first lady Obama getting her junk crunked by the Queen. That's fucking moist!

Coach's Room circa April 11th:

Don starts off by lambasting some company that used "Ron and Don" to sell something. He didn't want "any of his guys" to think he would lend his name to something like that.

He would sooner lend his name to the tires they are riding on.

Dawn then touches on the fact the St. Louis Blues have sold out 27 times this season, mentioning in passing the free-food promos that Towers had brought to our attention earlier this year. He then commends John Davidson on this shrewd tactic. It's good to see that the Blue's version of food stamps garner his approval.

Okay, so here is when I lose my (paid-for) lunch. Don rattles off for a couple of minutes about how Ron Wilson is an idiot (by using sarcastic "Genius" quips). If Wilson actually said, as Don quotes, that bringing in talent would be "like putting jewelery on an ugly person", he IS a fucking genius because that is the most thought out quote I have heard in hockey in years (sloppy seconds doesn't count, even if Avery thought about his quote for longer than Wilson did).

Why would he say that? Due to the fact, they will most likely still suck balls next year. Here is their pipeline of talent: Tlusty. That's it. The rest of their AHL squad is chock full of 4th liners. Maybe Wilson is actually being shrewd by tempering expectations, which would help to (but not by much if anything) temper expectations from the Toronto faithful.

Not alot of photo-ops round these parts, so here is an example of what "Toronto faithful" deserve (I felt like contradicting myself a bit to make Dunce feel better about himself).

Ron McLean actually goes a bit ballsy, and asks Duncey what the axe he is grinding with Wilson is about, is it the loss to the Americans in the '96 World Cup? Don then goes anti-American as only he can, and promises to never speak of Ron Wilson ever again. Anyone want to take that bet? I am willing to put some money out there that he uses his name by mid-May. And for him to even talk about the Leafs this late in the season is fucking mind-blowingly comical as-is.

Right after he essentially calls for Ron Wilson to be fired, he is asked if MacTavish should be fired. He responds with "I will never, ever call for a coach to be fired...". Are you even fucking serious? Did I not just listen to him calling for Wilson's head for about 60 seconds? I am going to fucking lose my mind. The talent level on the Oilers is not even closely comparable to that of the Leafs, but he gets emo on it and gives MacTavish some love. This guy is pretty fucking close to certifiable at this point.

SIDE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING MAY MAKE YOU PISS YOUR PANTS OR SPIT BEER ALL OVER YOUR MONITOR, I DID BOTH!

Jesus Christ, that is on par with the Havlat healer and it's 4 minutes long...

Then Don goes on to celebrate the fact that Cindy Crosby fought with a visor on, the same thing he has berated all other players who do so throughout the year. His explanation? "Well the other guy has a visor on too". Fucking amazing.

Thanks Dunce. It's been a good year. I will try to keep up with you in the post-season, but it will be tough.

Side note: 50 bonus points to whoever can find MacTavish's mugshot from when he killed the person drunk driving. I need a new T-Shirt.

Turtle Burgers etc...

2009-04-10T13:23:00.000-07:00

So it has been about a week since we have posted anything here. On one hand, I feel kind of bad when the Dump gets neglected like that, but on the other hand, I don't give fuck. It's a tight rope we walk here.

Now watch this, and we'll talk after...

So, it's a clip of Martin Havlat as a faith healer. Ya, I have no idea either. All I know for sure is that I fucking love it. Whoever made that needs to quit his job as a truck driver or florist or whale hunter or whatever, and start making shitty YouTube clips full time. I'm not sure if it would pay well, but damn, art isn't always convenient. Also, here is a clip of Kovalchuk face raping Brian McCabe all over the A.T.L. (Note: it made me bleed cum).

Man vs Nature. Kangaroo Edition

2009-04-03T03:10:00.001-07:00

THIS IS A THROWDOWN A SHOWDOWN!!!

2009-04-02T23:03:00.001-07:00

And only Dunce will slow down... or something.

So Mr. Williams has called me out and demanded some playoff predictions. Glad to fucking oblige. I will have it be known that pick 'ems as far as games are my achilles heel. Gimmie fantasy all day everyday, I am fairly comfy in those confines (with the exception of me taking Kessel 3rd overall in a one year league a few years back, don't ask), but give me pick 'ems and I crash and burn 90% of the time.

So without further ado, for you giggling pleasure:

From the East:

Boston vs Rangers (3-4)
Capitals vs Habs (4-2)
Devils vs Pens (3-4)
Philly vs Carolina (4-1)

Westcoast steez:

Sharks vs Ducks (3-4)
Detroit vs Nashville (3-4)
Calgary vs Columbus (4-2)
Vancouver vs Chicago (4-0) (And I hate the Canucks)

Round 2, FIGHT!

East:

Caps vs Rangers (3-4)
Philly vs Pens (2-4)

West:

Calgary vs Ducks (4-2)
Vancouver vs Nashville (4-2)

Round 3!

Pens vs Rangers (3-4)
Calgary vs Vancouver (4-2)

Finals

Calgary vs Rangers (4-1)

There ya go!

HockeyDump's European Vacation Part 3

2009-04-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have a few hours downtime today before I attend a meeting on Cross-Platforming in International Transitional Media, (whatever the fuck that is), so I figured I would pump out another riviting HockeyDump Presents: European Vacation, or what the kids are calling HoDu on the Med, (and you can't ignore the kids, they are our future).

So in this instalment, I thought I would cover the exciting action the NHL has brought us in the last week. The only problem with that, is that I haven't seen a game in a week. I wanted to, but it appears that the NHL doesn't allow you to watch live streaming video if you are outside North America. Why? Because once again, the Big Balled NY Brass are MARKETING ICONS NOT TO BE MESSED WITH.

So instead, I will predict the playoff match-ups. And yes, I do realize that predicting the match-ups at this point is pretty lame, but half of the blogs out there are doing it, and I am a follower, so I will too. And fuck you.

Round 1

Boston Vs. Florida (4-1 Boston)

Washington Vs. New York (4-1 Washington)

New Jersey Vs. Pittsburgh (4-3 Pittsburgh)

Philadelphia Vs. Carolina (4-2 Carolina)

San Jose Vs. Anahiem (4-0 San Jose)

Detroit Vs. St.Louis (4-3 Detroit)

Vancouver Vs. Chicago (4-2 Vancouver)

Calgary Vs. Columbus (4-2 Columbus)

And actually, I guess I could take this a step further, and predict the winners and losers, a Cup Champs, and whatnows....

Round 2

Boston Vs. Pittsburgh (4-2 Boston)

Washington Vs. Carolina (4-3 Carolina)

San Jose Vs. Columbus (4-2 San Jose)

Detroit Vs. Vancouver (4-3 Vancouver)

Round 3

Boston Vs. Carolina (4-3 Boston)

San Jose Vs. Vancouver (4-1 San Jose)

Stanley Cup Final

Boston Vs. San Jose (4-1 San Jose)

So ya, basically, it would appear that I don't see any major upsets coming. Does that make me a boring person? Yes. But you have to remember, no matter what ends up happening, I will claim I knew it all along, and say I told you so to anyone that will listen. I am a hockey God. I am a fucking LEGEND.

Cheers,

- Davey Williams, Americano (or at least thats what everyone here thinks)

Captain Hitchcock....

2009-04-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Here's a recent quote from Hitchcock that I'm loving....

The buzz in the city is unbelievable. It feels very much like any good Midwest city, whether it's Canadian or American, about sports here right now. It's the topic of conversation everywhere you go -- coffee shops, sporting goods places, restaurants. It's everything. "

Apparently the Hitch can't even name 3 places in a row that people go to on an everyday basis. 'Sporting goods places"? C'mon... Kenny, can you please try to fit into normal society's pants for a second?

I'll take grocery stores and banks for a thousand Alex. (Answer: Places Hitchcock hasn't been for a decade).

HockeyDump's European Vacation Part 2

2009-04-01T05:21:00.001-07:00

So I decided that sleeping is not a huge part of my plans here in France, and as a direct result, I have been awake for almost 24 hours. I have a meeting with some guy from some company in a few minutes that has absolutely nothing to do with hockey, but since this is a hockey blog, I am going pretend it is with Hall of Famer Ray Bourque. And honestly, it might as well be, because all I can make out with my eyes right now a basic rudimentary shapes and primary colours. I am going to start by asking him to sign my Bruins t-shirt, and when he questions it, I am going to stand up, grab his arm, and indian burn the shit out of it. Why? BECAUSE THE REAL RAY BOURQUE WOULD TOTALLY GET ME, AND THIS CLOWN IS JUST WASTING MY FUCKING TIME!

....unless he wants to give me some money,....then I guess he's alright.

- Davey Williams, blogger.

RESPECT, Theoren Fleury style

2009-03-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

SO good ol' Theo found a way to get his name back in the press! And it didn't even involve getting his substance abuse on, or trying to rekindle his career in a beer league!

That's about it. I can drink more than Fleury (don't scoff, it's true) and can rag on Cherry harder than he can to. BACK TO THE ROCK'S UNDERSIDE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!

Side Note: I love it when our blog is the first image hit for "Fleury Drunk" when I'm looking for Theo

HockeyDump's European Vacation

2009-03-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Dear friends & lovers...

I am currently sitting on a rented bed in the south of France, sipping on an 8 Euro bottle of Ballantines, and reading some of the many beautiful hockey blogs that clog up not only the intelligence of your average hockey fan, but also my "Favorites" folder. I am delighted to report that hockey is as alive and well in the throws of the Mediterainian as it ever was, and that "acting like an entitled cunt" is still in the height of fashion on the mean streets of Cannes. That being said, what's new with you?

I also wanted to ask you all wht the fuck is up with Oshie? I have only been gone for a few days, and when I check in it appears the entire hockey world has taken to sucking some serious T.J. dick. When I left, he was a somewhat underachieving rookie, mixed in with a bunch of other underachieving rookies on an overachieving Blues roster. Did he score 8 goals in a game? Did he punch a ref? Did he urinate on an Avery? Something big must have happened, because every fucking blog I visited is on fire with TJ Gayness (Trademark Pending).

Also, I like that Jason Towers finally got off his lazy ass and posted something. I think he owes Mr.Spec7ral a beer for holding up his slack for the past 4 months. And by "holding up his slack", I mean "puching orphans in the poop hole". Anyways, I don't even know what the hell I'm typing anymore. I am going to go back to my Scotch, and Comedy Death Ray mp3s.

Fuck the police,

- Davey Williams, European Giggalo

PS - My spell check is broken,....so fuck you.

(Community) College Dream

2009-03-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven't posted in a loooong time. For some reason I decided to get married and start a new career within the same month. I know, lame-ass excuses. In my defense, I also accidentally-on-purpose watched the first 20 minutes of the Love Guru which sent me into a self-induced 3 month comatose state which left me unable to communicate any thoughts relating to hockey. More thoughts on that movie later if I ever finish it.

I was awoken from my "hockey-coma" last week when I read that Chris "Cheli" Chelios had celebrated 10 years with the Wings. Holy shit, wasn't it just a couple of years ago that he got traded from Chicago? Time flies when you measure it in Cheli years.

I love the guy but could someone tell him that the league now has a retirement plan that would pay him even if he doesn't play 3 minutes a night. He's like the old guy wandering around at the community college who everbody thinks: "What does he teach? No, he doesn't teach. He's taking a class with me".

Ah, fuck it, let's see how long the Grecian Stallion can go - he's probably the last of a literally dying breed in the NHL. He's obviously found his fountain of shitty-youth:

Fuck, I have many more belligerent and irrelevant thoughts from the past few months but Mr. Williams and Spec7ral have pretty much covered it - thank the holder-uppers!

Bonus Feature:

Steve Ott vs Colin Campbell's son

2009-03-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

In the Panthers-Stars match up tonight, Steve Ott was up to his usual antics. By usual antics, I am referring to borderline/definite cheap hits that could garner suspensions. The thing that makes tonight's hit all the more cause for bloggeration, is the fact it was on the flesh and blood of the NHL's lead disciplinarian, Colin Campbell.

Apparently, Gregory Campbell is Colin's son. Whoopsie-daisy!

I will post a vid when one becomes available, but either way, this should garner some acute speculation over the next day or two.

In the meantime....

The Slowest Three Minutes In Hockey

2009-03-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

Dunce starts us off tonight, with a quick piss and moan about how Kovalev got a penalty for being the second Hab ejected during a face-off. He lets us know how rules are "insane". Then, to prove that he knows what he is talking about, he puts on a caveman/Tarzan-esque voice, evidently to show us how linesman talk. It's ironic that he is the one who sounds like a caveman, voice mask non-withstanding.

Then het gets mad because Justin Pogge stepped on some Bruins' skate and fell down. Don would have us beleive that the goal should not have counted, as there should have obviously been a penalty. Never mind that the Bruins player was being ridden into the crease by a Leaf. And never mind that Pogge was up in time to make the save but just gave up. I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that Don is still updating us with Leafs' info, or the fact that I am passing it on second hand.

So finally we ge to to Ovechkin, and the Coach's Corner RESPECT t-shirt. Cherry totally fucks my post at this point. He praises Ovechkin and infers that he is an ok guy. He even goes so far as to say he will win the Rocket Richard (not a bold statement were it from anyone else's mouth). Then he praises him for not "jumping around" after he scores and empty netter... Are you even serious? Like Ovechkin would do that? He also mentions that no one should ever jump around. Oh yeah? What about this:

Then Don lets us know that it IS ok for the Oilers team to jump around after Roloson's 51 save performance the other night...Fuck, I am almost as confused as Dunce was when Ron mentioned politics.

Small-town Canadians are also the best, according to the Dongler. The best at shoveling chikenshit.

Flames fans are the "bomb"

2009-03-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, a face only momma could love. It seems this gentleman was not overly pleased with the Columbus Blue Jackets' drubbing of the Calgary Flames. So he took matters into his own hands. He called the Jackets' stadium and uttered some threats. Thanks to the brand new, high-tech innovation of Caller ID, police used his telephone number to find his residence and arrested his flaming ass.

The most interesting part of this story, is that there are Flames fans located somewhere other than Calgary.

Ray Emery and his Hummer

2009-03-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ray Emery has a hummer.

Ray Emery got pulled over in Ottawa driving it. Ray got his Hummer impounded and his license suspended for 7 days. This begs the question... WTF is Emery doing in Ottawa anyways? It's not like he was visiting Snoop...

I guess his Russian club no longer needed him to advertise their sponsors with baseball caps...

Oh Ray...

Boobs.

2009-03-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

I STOLE YOUR POST because I am a lazy man.

2009-03-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

And also because the content is too great not to comment on:

From BP:
Mr. Malk makes some perogies, Russian-steez.

It seems Malkin can't pronounce very many English words correctly, but he seems to have a handle on the word ugly, what does that tell you? I also enjoyed at the end where he just fucks off to take a phone call. The gents @ BP say that that is Larionov's daughter, who was once AO's main squeeze. Is she on the list of hockey sluts? Is Geno pounding her perogie? If Geno pounds her does she come with the Hart trophy? Can I have a go at her if I learn Russian and/or broken English?

From PuckDaddy:

Buy a bottle of vodka, get free tickets to the 'yotes game. I feel like living in 'Zona could be a good thing. You get a Superbowl caliber NFL squad, you can walk to Vegas, you can check out Steve Nash's greasy mullet, and you get a ticket to a hockey game when you want to get loser pissed on Smirnoff. Oh and it's warm all year. Fuck it, I am moving down there...maybe Turris will billet me.

And from Reed over @ CK:
It seems that I am not the only Canadian out there that is tired of Cherry's hate-mongering (although you probably didn't need a shitty punk song to tell you that):

Maybe this isn't a shitty punk song, but I couldn't really tell you, as I think all of it is shit. Except for maybe some Sex Pistols stuff, and a Rancid/OI song here or there.

Also, just in case anyone is excited about Kotalik getting a goal to make it close in that Red Wings - Oilers matchup last night, why don't we take a look at the 2nd goal for Detroit:

What a fucking goat, he just lets Franzen walk right through him. I thought the Oilers could be a dark horse, but the more I see of them (I've been watching them a fair bit the last few weeks), the more I think they are a bunch of losers, with the exception of Gagner, Souray, Gilbert, Grebeshkov, Nilsson and Roloson. Why the fuck are they letting Potulney and Schrmep rot in the minors? Hemsky is a fucking overrated bum. All he does is circle around the net like it's NHL '92. Fucking bum.

Keep the home fires burning (slow, for at least 3 minutes)

2009-03-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Well, shit. I am going to buy an Ovechkin Jersey next paycheque. It's not even a fucking option anymore. I mean, it's the least I can do for all this glorious cannon fodder Mr. Ovechkin is providing me in my attacks on the defender of hockey xenophobia: Don "Dunce" Cherry.

Scroll down if you need the pre-frame on the story, but you all know the deal. So here's the next installment of hockey's greatest player versus the sport's most senile ambassador of hate.

Christ Almighty, does it get any better than this? Maybe if Micheal Jordan had come out wearing a strap-on dildo after Marv Albert took a chunk out of that prozzie...nah not even then. Cherry has been dishing out his pigsnot for so long, the fact that any player, even if he was a beer league player in Africa, challenges him is so refreshing. The fact that it is the BEST PLAYER IN THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE is downright soul shifting material, it is like a fucking religious experience for me. These pictures are like when the Virgin Mary showed up on that piece of toast: tasty.

Does it say "He Scores" on his crotch?

Yep. So there you have it. Ovechkin playing soccer in a Coach's Corner T shirt. The shirt is also said to have had the word "RESPECT" imprinted on the back. I can only assume that means that Ovechkin thinks that Cherry owes him some, as he has made it pretty obvious that he thinks Cherry is an un-interesting old man that he doesn't pay much attention to. This is about the best sports feud since Shaq asked Kobe to tell him how his ass tasted.

Is it Saturday yet? Cause Coach's Room is going to be another "beauty" as the old relic would say.

Edit: Is Mike Green still carrying baby fat? And why is the guy at the end of the tunnel staring at his caboose?

Man vs Nature Flying Goat Edition

2009-03-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

This one is for the people cheering for the Zamboni to get him and Scott Oake every Saturday night on the late game.

Gonchar Vs Korea

2009-03-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Do you like Korean Knock-off Hockey Jerseys?

Do you like Sergei Gnochar?

Then you are going to love this great offer now on ebay!